You will handle a child's tantrum in public better than before
It happened in a supermarket. A three-year-old girl lay down on the floor between the yogurt shelves and started screaming so loudly that every customer within ten metres turned to look. Her mother stood over her, hands clenched around the shopping basket, cheeks flushed with shame. She could feel the gazes of passers-by directed at her, someone quietly shrugging their shoulders, an older woman shaking her head. In that moment, the problem wasn't the child's outburst itself – the problem was the feeling that she had failed as a parent, and in front of the whole world.
Almost every parent knows this scenario from personal experience. A small child's tantrum in public is one of the most challenging situations that parenthood brings. It's not just about managing the child itself – it's also about managing one's own shame, anxiety, and the pressure of those around you. And it is precisely that inner struggle that is often harder than the outer one.
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Why do children lose control in public of all places?
To be able to handle the situation, it is useful to first understand what is actually happening in the child's head. Young children, especially between the ages of one and four, do not have a sufficiently developed prefrontal cortex – the part of the brain responsible for regulating emotions, self-control, and the ability to delay gratification. In other words, their brains are not yet equipped with the tools that adults take for granted. When a child wants a sweet and doesn't get one, it isn't a whim or defiance – it is a genuine emotional storm that they cannot stop on their own.
Public environments make this situation even worse. Shops, shopping centres, and restaurants are sensory-overloading places for small children – noise, lights, strangers, smells, new stimuli from all directions. Add to this the fatigue of an outing, hunger, or disrupted sleep. The combination of these factors creates ideal conditions for an outburst that might not have happened at home at all. As the American Academy of Pediatrics notes, tantrums are a completely normal part of toddler and preschool development and signal that a child is learning to work with their emotions – not that they are badly brought up.
This is a key realisation that many parents only arrive at after years of experience. An outburst of anger is not proof of parental failure. It is a developmental phase, a biological given, that simply sometimes arrives at the wrong moment in the wrong place.
And yet – knowing this rationally and truly feeling it are two very different things. And this is precisely where shame enters the picture.
A parent's shame as the real enemy of calm crisis management
Shame is one of the strongest and most difficult human emotions to manage. Unlike guilt, which says "I did something wrong", shame says "I am wrong". When a child screams in the middle of a shop and passers-by turn to look, the parent's brain very quickly shifts from "how do I help them" to "what are they thinking about me" and "I am a bad parent". This shift in attention is natural, but also harmful – because at the very moment when the parent most needs to be present for the child, their own emotions are pulling them elsewhere.
Research in developmental psychology shows that a parent's response to a tantrum has a significant impact on how quickly the situation subsides. Parents who are able to remain calm, empathetic, and firm at the same time help the child calm down more quickly. Conversely, parents who are themselves overwhelmed by emotions – whether anger, anxiety, or indeed shame – unknowingly escalate the situation. Shame, therefore, is not merely an unpleasant feeling – it is a factor that directly affects the quality of care given to the child in that moment.
Where does this shame actually come from? Social expectations play a large role. We live in a culture that places enormous demands on parents – a child should always be neat, calm, obedient, and well-behaved. Public space then becomes a kind of stage on which parenthood is judged. The gaze of a stranger in that moment does not feel like neutral observation, but like a verdict. And condemnation. Even if the parent has entirely imagined it.
It is important to realise that most passers-by who turn to look at a screaming child do so out of reflex – not to pass judgement. Many of them are parents themselves and are recalling their own similar experiences. Some are even capable of empathy, they simply don't show it. As American researcher and author Brené Brown says: "Shame thrives on secrecy, silence, and judgment. Empathy is its antidote." And it is precisely empathy – towards the child and towards oneself – that is the key to getting through such situations without unnecessary emotional scars.
Concrete approaches that genuinely help
Managing a tantrum in public isn't about having a perfect script that always works. It is more a set of approaches that increase the likelihood that the situation will go better – for both the child and the parent.
The first step is to reduce one's own activation before attempting to calm the child. This sounds paradoxical, but it works. A few slow breaths, consciously relaxing the shoulders, an internal reminder that "this is normal, we can handle this" – all of this helps the brain shift from reactive mode into a mode in which one can act purposefully. Only from this place is it possible to genuinely help the child.
The second important principle is not to try to stop the tantrum immediately, but to first acknowledge the child. Phrases such as "I can see you're angry", "I understand you wanted that sweet and you're sad about it", or simply calmly naming the emotion without judgement – these are tools that help the child feel understood. And a child that feels understood calms down more quickly. This is not permission for the tantrum; it is a bridge towards calming down.
The third approach is a physical change of environment, where possible. Moving to a less stimulating place – outside the shop, to a quieter part of the restaurant, to a bench – can significantly shorten the duration of the tantrum. Both the child and the parent get out of the environment that is worsening the situation, and they have a better chance of attuning to each other.
When it comes to shame itself, it helps to consciously remind oneself of a few things in that moment. First, that a tantrum is not the result of poor parenting – it is a developmental norm. Second, that other people are paying far less attention to the situation than it seems – the phenomenon known as the "spotlight effect" is well documented in the psychological literature and shows that people systematically overestimate the degree to which they are the centre of others' attention. And finally, that the parent's calm and presence in that moment are far more important than what an unknown person in the supermarket might think.
Parents who repeatedly go through these situations often describe a certain turning point – a moment when they stopped performing for an audience and began acting solely for their child. And paradoxically, it was precisely then that the tantrums became shorter and less intense. Because the child senses when the parent is truly present and when they are merely playing a role.
On a practical level, it can be very useful to have a pre-planned "Plan B" for public outings with small children. This includes, for example, timing outings outside nap or meal times, bringing a favourite toy or snack, and setting clear rules announced in advance before entering a shop or restaurant. Prevention is not always possible, but it reduces the likelihood of the situation escalating. Research published in the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry repeatedly confirms that predictability and routine are key factors in emotional stability for young children.
There is yet another dimension that is spoken of less – and that is self-care after such a situation. A child's tantrum in public is a stressful event for the parent that leaves its mark. Ignoring one's own feelings and simply "moving on" is not sustainable in the long term. On the contrary, a brief moment to process what happened – whether a conversation with a partner, a journal entry, or simply sitting quietly with a cup of tea after returning home – helps emotions to subside and prepares the parent for the next similar situation. Taking care of one's own mental health is not a luxury; it is part of good parenting.
Parenting in public is in many ways like a theatrical performance that nobody wanted to be in, but everyone ends up standing in. Tantrums are an inevitable part of it – chaotic, loud, and sometimes literally tearful. But they are also proof that a child is growing, learning, and processing a world that is still enormous and incomprehensible to them. And a parent who in such a moment manages to remain present, calm, and kind – despite their own shame and the gaze of those around them – is doing exactly what they should be doing for their child. Regardless of what someone by the neighbouring yogurt shelf might think.
