How to Set Realistic Expectations as a Mom and Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
Every woman who becomes a mother knows that peculiar feeling when the reality of the first weeks with a baby dramatically diverges from what she had previously imagined. Social media full of smiling mums in clean white T-shirts, flawlessly tidy homes, and babies who sleep contentedly through the night – all of this creates an image that has very little in common with everyday motherhood. And yet it is precisely this image that many women use as the yardstick by which they judge themselves. The result is often a sense of failure, exhaustion, and the frustrating question: "Am I doing it wrong, or is it like this for everyone?"
The answer is usually simple – it looks like this for everyone. But it's not talked about loudly enough. Excessive expectations in motherhood and the subsequent disappointment that reality looks different are among the most common sources of stress for new mothers. According to research published in the Journal of Reproductive and Infant Psychology, unrealistic expectations of motherhood are directly linked to a higher risk of postnatal depression and anxiety. So this is no small matter to be brushed aside – it's a topic that deserves an honest conversation.
Let's try, then, to look at where these excessive expectations come from, why they hurt us so much, and most importantly – how to set realistic expectations as a mum without giving up on what matters to us.
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Where do unrealistic expectations come from and why do they hurt so much
The idea of the "perfect mother" didn't appear overnight. It is shaped over years – from childhood, from observing our own mums, from books, films, and in recent years primarily from content on Instagram and TikTok. The problem isn't that women seek inspiration or information. The problem arises when a curated, filtered snapshot of someone else's life becomes the standard we try to live up to.
Take Klára, for example, a thirty-two-year-old first-time mother from Brno who prepared for motherhood with characteristic thoroughness. She read a dozen books on parenting, completed a hypnobirthing course, studied natural parenting, and drew up a detailed plan for the first year with her baby. Breastfeeding was supposed to be a given, a sleep routine was supposed to settle within six weeks, and she herself was supposed to be a calm, loving, and present mother. The reality? The birth ended in an emergency caesarean section, breastfeeding was painful and insufficient, her son slept in two-hour stretches at most, and after three months Klára found herself in a psychologist's office with a diagnosis of postnatal anxiety disorder. Not because she was a bad mother. But because the gap between expectations and reality was so enormous that she couldn't bridge it.
Klára's story is not exceptional. Psychologist and author of What No One Tells You, Alexandra Sacks, points out that modern society places entirely contradictory demands on mothers – they should be devoted to their children yet not lose their identity, they should breastfeed naturally yet quickly get back in shape, they should be patient and loving yet firm and consistent. It's no wonder it makes your head spin.
What's important to understand is that the disappointment that follows unmet expectations is not a sign of weakness. It is a natural human reaction. Psychologists call this phenomenon the "expectation-reality gap," and its effects are well documented – from a decline in self-esteem through chronic stress to relationship problems. When a mum imagines she'll have the same relationship with her partner as before the baby was born, and instead they argue about who will get up to the crying baby at three in the morning, that's not a relationship failure. It's a normal phase that the vast majority of couples go through. But if she isn't prepared for it, she may perceive it as a catastrophe.
And this is precisely where we get to the heart of the matter. It's not about lowering the bar so far that you expect nothing from life at all. It's about learning to distinguish between what we can influence and what simply comes as it comes. It's about stopping measuring our ordinary Tuesday against someone else's best moment on social media. And it's about accepting that motherhood is largely improvisation – and that this is absolutely fine.
How to set realistic expectations and stop being ashamed of them
Setting realistic expectations doesn't mean giving up on dreams or ambitions. It means approaching motherhood with openness, flexibility, and a healthy dose of kindness towards yourself. It sounds simple, but in practice it requires conscious effort, because the entire culture around us pushes in the opposite direction.
The first step is an honest inventory of your own assumptions. What exactly do I imagine motherhood will involve? Where do these assumptions come from – from my own experience, from books, from Instagram, from friends? Are they based on real information, or on an idealised image? This exercise can be surprisingly revealing. Many women realise during it that their expectations aren't actually their own – they've been adopted from their surroundings and never consciously embraced as theirs.
The second important principle is to replace fixed plans with so-called flexible intentions. Instead of "I will breastfeed for at least a year," say to yourself "I would like to breastfeed and I'll do what I can, but if it doesn't work out, I'll find another way to feed my baby well." Instead of "I'll lose the baby weight within six months," try "I'll try to move as my situation allows and give my body time to recover." The difference in wording may seem cosmetic, but its impact on your mental health is fundamental. A flexible intention leaves room for reality, while a rigid plan creates the conditions for disappointment.
The third principle concerns comparing yourself with others. As the American author and researcher Brené Brown said: "Comparison is the thief of joy." And in the context of motherhood, this is doubly true. Every child is different, every family has a different background, different resources, a different history. Comparing your chaotic Thursday with someone else's carefully lit Sunday photo makes no sense – and yet we do it constantly. One of the most effective steps a new mum can take is to limit time spent on social media, or at least clear her feed of accounts that make her feel inadequate. Instead, follow accounts that show motherhood authentically – with stains on T-shirts, piles of laundry in the background, and honest descriptions of tough days.
Equally important is talking about your feelings out loud. With your partner, with a friend, with a therapist, with anyone who can listen without judgement. Many women find that the moment they say aloud "I feel like I can't cope," they hear the surprisingly frequent response from those around them: "me too." That shared vulnerability has enormous power. It's no coincidence that mothers' groups – whether online or in person – are among the most effective forms of support for new mothers. According to the World Health Organization, social support is one of the key protective factors for mental health in the postnatal period.
And finally, it needs to be said that realistic expectations don't just apply to the baby, but also to yourself. Being a good mother doesn't mean being a perfect mother. It means being a "good enough" mother – a concept introduced by the British paediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott back in the 1950s, and one that remains among the most cited in child psychology to this day. A good enough mother isn't one who never makes a mistake. She is one who is present, responds to her child's needs, and – crucially – can forgive herself when something doesn't go to plan.
All of this, of course, doesn't mean that women should stop preparing for motherhood or that information and education don't matter. Quite the opposite. Preparation is valuable when it is based on a realistic picture of what motherhood involves. Courses that openly discuss the difficulties of breastfeeding, sleep deprivation, changes in the partner relationship, and the fact that the postnatal period can be emotionally challenging prepare women far better than those that promise harmony and natural bliss.
It also makes sense to invest in things that genuinely make everyday life with a baby easier – whether that's quality natural skincare that's gentle on a newborn's sensitive skin, eco-friendly household products that reduce contact with chemicals, or comfortable and sustainable clothing in which a mum feels good, even when she has neither the time nor the energy to think about her outfit. This isn't luxury – it's small steps that add a drop of comfort to a demanding period and the feeling that a woman is caring not only for her child but also for herself.
Motherhood is one of the most intense experiences a person can live through. It is full of love, but also exhaustion. It is full of tenderness, but also frustration. It is full of moments that take your breath away – and moments when you'd rather escape to the next room and close the door behind you. And all of that is normal. Setting realistic expectations as a mum doesn't mean giving up the joy of motherhood. It means giving yourself the chance to truly experience that joy – without filters, without comparisons, and without unnecessary guilt. Because the best version of a mum isn't the perfect one. It's the real one.
