When grandma raises children differently, it doesn't have to be a problem
A scene that probably every young family knows. A child comes home from grandma's stuffed with chocolate, even though the parents clearly said no sweets until after lunch. Or it turns out that the little schoolchild watched cartoons all weekend without limits because "at grandma's, it's allowed." What follows is tense silence, perhaps a sharp exchange of opinions over Sunday lunch, and the feeling that the rules the parents painstakingly built are collapsing like a house of cards. Intergenerational conflicts in parenting are nothing new – they've accompanied families since time immemorial. Yet it's surprising how little they're discussed openly and without emotion. And most importantly – how few families know that they can be resolved without anyone feeling like the loser.
The essence of the problem doesn't lie in grandparents deliberately being "against" the parents. In reality, it's a clash of two parenting epochs, two life experiences, and two entirely different ideas about what a child needs. The generation of today's grandparents grew up in an era when adult authority was unquestionable, physical punishment was common, and children's emotional needs weren't given much attention. Today's parents, on the other hand, draw on findings from developmental psychology, strive for respectful communication, and set boundaries differently than they themselves experienced. It's no wonder that when these two worlds meet over one child, sparks fly.
Interestingly, according to a survey by the STEM/MARK agency from 2022, more than 60 percent of Czech parents consider their relationship with their own parents regarding child-rearing to be "occasionally tense." At the same time, nearly 80 percent admit that grandparents' help is absolutely essential for the family's functioning. This tension between gratitude and frustration is precisely the place where conflicts arise – and where balance needs to be found.
Imagine a specific situation. Jana and Petr have a four-year-old daughter, Eliška. Jana works part-time, and twice a week Eliška is looked after by her grandmother Marie. Jana tries to maintain a consistent routine – regular meals, limited screen time, clear rules about behavior at the table. But grandmother Marie sees things differently. Eliška is visiting her, after all, so why shouldn't she have ice cream at ten in the morning? Why shouldn't she fall asleep in front of the TV when it's so nice and peaceful? Marie doesn't have bad intentions. She genuinely loves her granddaughter and wants her to be happy at her place. But Jana feels like after every babysitting session, she's starting the parenting from scratch. Eliška refuses to eat lunch because "at grandma's I don't have to," and she only falls asleep watching cartoons.
This isn't the story of one family. It's the story of thousands of Czech households. And the key thing to understand is that neither side is one hundred percent right – and neither side has bad motives.
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Why grandparents parent differently
Before we can resolve the conflict, we first need to understand what's behind it. The grandparenting role is inherently different from the parenting role. Grandmothers and grandfathers no longer bear the primary responsibility for how a child turns out. They are freed from everyday pressure and can afford to be the "nice ones." Psychologist Alžběta Protivanská from the Children's Crisis Center in Prague has repeatedly pointed out that grandparents often compensate for what they themselves didn't manage or didn't know how to do as parents. They are more lenient because they have time, perspective, and the desire to enjoy their grandchild without the stress that accompanies raising one's own children.
Added to this is the generational gap in approaches to parenting. Today's parents have access to an enormous amount of information – from the books of Jesper Juul to podcasts about attachment parenting. They read articles about how important it is to name emotions, why not to punish by withdrawing love, and how to build intrinsic motivation instead of obedience through fear. For the grandparent generation, this approach can be incomprehensible, even threatening. They may feel that their children are telling them: "You raised us badly." And that hurts, even if no one means it that way.
An important role is also played by the transformation of social norms. When today's grandmother was a young mother, breastfeeding was done by the clock, babies slept on their stomachs, and a pacifier dipped in honey was a common soothing remedy. Telling her that all of this was wrong is not only impolite but also inaccurate – she did the best she could with the information available at the time. An empathetic approach to grandparents, acknowledgment of their experience, and respect for their role are the foundation of any meaningful conversation about parenting.
There is also a phenomenon that psychologists call "grandparent spoiling" as a love language. For many grandparents, giving – whether it's sweets, gifts, or allowing exceptions – is a way of expressing affection. When parents tell them "don't give her so much chocolate," they hear "don't love her so much." This misunderstanding needs to be decoded; otherwise, every attempt to set rules turns into an emotional battle.
How to talk about parenting so that it works
The most important step toward resolving intergenerational parenting conflicts isn't a list of rules pinned to the fridge. It's a conversation conducted with respect and at the right time. That means not in the moment when the child has just come home from grandma's with a third lollipop and the parent is seeing red. The ideal is to find a calm moment when children aren't present and when both sides can speak without pressure.
A proven approach recommended by family therapists is the so-called "sandwich" method – start with appreciation, then name the problem, and end positively. For example: "Mom, I'm really glad that Eliška spends time with you; I can see how much she enjoys it. But I'd need us to agree on how many sweets she can have, because then she won't eat lunch at home and it's hard for all of us. I know you want to make her happy, and that's lovely – shall we try to find a different way to do it?" This isn't manipulation; it's basic communication hygiene that reduces defensive reactions.
It's also essential to distinguish between non-negotiable boundaries and things that can be let go. Not everything grandma does differently is a problem. A child is perfectly capable of understanding that slightly different rules apply at grandma's than at home – just as they understand that they behave differently at nursery school than on the playground. Developmental psychology confirms that children are surprisingly adaptable and that different environments with slightly different rules don't harm them, as long as core values are consistent. The problem only arises when rules differ on fundamental matters – safety, health, emotional well-being.
In practical terms, this means creating two categories in your head (or on paper). The first includes things that are absolutely non-negotiable: car safety, allergies, medications, a ban on physical punishment, maintaining sleep schedules for very young children. These things are not up for negotiation and need to be communicated clearly, with no room for interpretation. The second category includes everything else – whether the child gets an extra cookie, whether she wears the pink shirt instead of the blue one, whether she has lunch at eleven or twelve. This is where there's room for flexibility and for grandma to maintain her role, her autonomy, and her unique relationship with her grandchild.
As American family therapist Virginia Satir once said: "The problem is not the problem. The problem is how we cope with the problem." And this applies precisely to intergenerational parenting conflicts. The way we talk about disagreements is more important than the disagreements themselves.
Sometimes, however, the situation is more complicated. There are grandparents who refuse to respect any boundaries, trivialize parental decisions, or even actively undermine parents' authority in front of the children. In such cases, it's appropriate to set clear consequences – not as punishment, but as protection of the parental role. This might mean limiting the time the child spends with grandparents unsupervised, or conversely, inviting the grandparents to visit a family therapist. Organizations such as the Family Counseling Center at the Association of Marriage and Family Counselors of the Czech Republic offer consultations for precisely these situations and can help facilitate dialogue where direct communication fails.
It's also important to look at the whole matter through the child's eyes. Children are extremely sensitive to tension between the adults they love. When they hear mommy complaining about grandma on the phone, or when they see daddy barely speaking to grandma during drop-off, they notice. And they suffer from it. Research published in the Journal of Family Psychology repeatedly shows that open conflict between parents and grandparents negatively affects a child's emotional security more than the differences in parenting approaches themselves. In other words – it's better for the child if grandma occasionally breaks a rule but all the adults get along, than if the rules are followed at the cost of constant arguments.
This doesn't mean parents should stay silent and tolerate everything. It means that the way conflicts are resolved should be conscious, thoughtful, and ideally take place out of children's earshot. It also means that parents should speak about grandparents with respect in front of the children, even when they disagree with them. A child needs to feel that the world of adults around them holds together.
And then there's one more thing that's rarely discussed but is immensely important: gratitude. In the flood of frustrations over broken rules and unkept agreements, it's easy to forget what enormous value grandparents have in a child's life. The relationship with grandma and grandpa is a source of unconditional love, wisdom, stories, and a sense of continuity for the child. It's a bridge between generations that no nursery school or extracurricular activity can replace. The Czech Republic is, moreover, a country where grandparents traditionally play a strong role in child-rearing – and that's something worth protecting, not eliminating.
If you manage to find a balance between your own parenting principles and space for grandparents, you're doing more for your child than you think. Because you're teaching them something that no parenting book explicitly teaches: that different people can have different perspectives and still love each other. That conflicts can be resolved without shouting and without losing the relationship. That respect doesn't mean agreement, but a willingness to listen.
And perhaps this is the most important parenting lesson of all – not only for children, but for us adults as well. Because parenting isn't just about how we shape children. It's also about how we ourselves grow, in every conversation, in every compromise, in every moment when we choose to offer understanding instead of reproach.
