# Return to Yourself After Maternity Leave
Returning to work after maternity leave, or simply returning to "normal" life, is an experience many women find difficult to describe. One might expect joy, relief, perhaps a touch of nostalgia – and instead comes a feeling of putting on a coat that no longer fits. The same job, the same friends, the same city, but something fundamental has shifted inside. This disorientation is neither weakness nor excessive sensitivity. It is the natural consequence of one of the most profound transformations the human brain and body can undergo.
Psychologists and neuroscientists today speak of a phenomenon called matrescence – a term first used by anthropologist Dana Raphael in the 1970s, which has returned to academic discussion with renewed force in recent years. It refers to the transitional period during which a woman becomes a mother, and its scope is comparable to puberty. Just as the body, brain, identity and relationships with others change during adolescence, the same occurs during the transition to motherhood – except this time without social recognition, without a guide, and usually in the midst of chronic sleep deprivation.
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What happens in the brain and body
Research published in journals such as Nature Neuroscience has shown that pregnancy and childbirth bring measurable changes in a woman's brain structure. Grey matter in areas associated with empathy, social perception and the ability to read others' needs is reorganised – and these changes persist for years after birth. A mother's brain is literally restructured to be as well-equipped as possible for caring for a child. The side effect, however, is that a woman returning to a world that knew her "before" may feel as though she is standing in someone else's skin.
Added to this are hormonal fluctuations of a magnitude unparalleled elsewhere in an adult woman's life. Oestrogen and progesterone, which reach extremely high levels during pregnancy, drop sharply after birth. Oxytocin – the hormone of bonding and trust – fluctuates depending on breastfeeding and physical contact with the baby. Cortisol, the stress hormone, tends to be chronically elevated due to constant vigilance and lack of sleep. The result is a cocktail that affects mood, memory, the ability to concentrate and one's sense of self-worth. It is little wonder that many women describe the first year after birth as a period in which they "lose themselves".
The physical dimension is only part of the picture. Equally profound – and perhaps even less visible – is the transformation of identity. Who am I now? Am I still the ambitious project manager, or am I primarily a mother? Can I be both? And what if I find I enjoy this new role more than I expected – or conversely, less?
These questions are not philosophical luxuries. They are the everyday reality of millions of women trying to piece together two versions of themselves: the one who existed before the child, and the one who came into being afterwards.
The "I'm not myself" syndrome has a name and causes
One of the most common feelings women report after maternity leave is a sense of losing themselves. The term identity loss has become established in English for this experience, and research repeatedly confirms it is a real, widespread and underestimated problem. A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that the transition to parenthood is one of the greatest "identity disruptions" in adult life, with this disruption tending to be more pronounced in women than in men – partly because women still bear a disproportionately larger share of the invisible labour of household and family care.
An example is Markéta, a thirty-three-year-old graphic designer from Brno, who returned to her original job on a part-time basis after two years of maternity leave. "I thought I was looking forward to it," she says. "And I was. But on my first day back in the office, I sat at my computer and didn't know what to do with myself. As if I were missing someone I had never even known for years – and at the same time I couldn't wait to just be myself again." This paradox – longing for time to oneself while simultaneously feeling empty or guilty when you finally have it – is entirely typical for many mothers.
A role is also played by what is known as the cognitive load of motherhood, explored by sociologist and author Gemma Hartley in her book Fed Up. Constant planning, anticipating needs, organising family life – all of this runs in the background of every other activity and depletes the mental capacity that previously served other purposes. A woman who had no difficulty managing complex work projects before giving birth may suddenly feel as though her "thinking has stopped working". In reality, her brain is simply processing an enormous amount of different information.
This is precisely captured in a quote from Australian psychologist Oscar Serrallach, who has long researched matrescence: "Mothers are not exhausted because they are weak. They are exhausted because they carry too much – and they do so mostly invisibly."
What to do – concrete steps towards finding balance
Understanding that this transformation is normal and has both biological and social roots is itself a relief. But it is not enough. What actually helps women who feel like strangers in their own lives after maternity leave?
Above all, it is essential to name what is happening – and to do so without self-blame. Many women feel ashamed of their feelings because they seem ungrateful: they have a healthy child, a functioning relationship, a job – and yet they feel lost. But this very act of naming, ideally by sharing with someone close or with a professional, opens the path to genuine change. Therapeutic approaches focused on identity transitions, such as narrative therapy or approaches rooted in ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy), have demonstrated good results in this context.
Equally important is stopping the search for the "old self" and instead allowing yourself to explore who you are now. This does not mean abandoning the hobbies, friendships or ambitions you had before the child. It means accepting that your new version is an expansion, not a replacement, of the previous one. Sometimes this process reveals that old priorities no longer resonate – and that is fine. Other times you discover that the desires you had are still yours, but simply need a different time or form.
Care for the body also plays a significant role, something that is systematically neglected after maternity leave. This is not about diet plans or exercise as performance – it is about the fundamental things the brain and hormonal system need in order to function. Adequate sleep (even if fragmented), movement in fresh air, nutrition rich in nutrients that support hormonal balance and the gut microbiome. Research repeatedly shows that gut bacteria have a direct influence on mood and mental health through the so-called gut-brain axis, and it is precisely after birth that the gut microbiome tends to be significantly disrupted. Incorporating fermented foods, sufficient fibre or quality probiotics can be a surprisingly effective tool in the overall mosaic of self-care.
An important part of returning to oneself is also building community. Isolation is one of the greatest risk factors for postnatal depression and long-term identity loss. Whether it involves groups of mothers, friends who knew you "before" and accept you "now", or online communities of women going through a similar period – the awareness that you are not alone has a demonstrably therapeutic effect. The World Health Organization, in its recommendations for maternal mental health, emphasises social support as one of the most important protective factors.
And then there is working with a partner or loved ones. The transformation of identity is a matter that touches the entire family system. Partners, parents, friends – all tend to expect the woman to "return to normal", without realising that this normal has changed irreversibly. An open conversation about what is happening internally may be uncomfortable, but it is necessary. Couples therapy or family counselling during this period is not a sign of failure – it is an expression of care for the relationship.
Finally, it is worth mentioning the role of everyday rituals and small moments that belong only to you. A morning coffee in silence, reading before bed, a walk without the pram, a creative activity, meditation – whatever reminds you that you exist beyond the role of mother. These moments are not selfishness. They are basic mental health hygiene and, in the long term, the whole family benefits from them.
Motherhood changes a woman in ways our society is still unable to fully appreciate or articulate. And yet it is precisely this transformation – that disorientation, that sense of being a stranger in one's own life – that is evidence of the depth of what a woman has been through. It is not an identity crisis. It is an identity reconstruction. And like any major renovation, this one too requires time, patience and the right tools – not a perfect result on the first attempt.
